What's the greatest problem now throughout the land?

What's the only problem needs a helping hand?

It isn't Philip Snowden or tax relief, I find.

It's something more important now on everybody's mind.

Just walk into any home today.

In ten to one you'll hear each husband say,

My wife is on the diet, and since she's on the diet,

Home isn't home anymore.

No gravy and potatoes, just lettuce and tomatoes,

Where are the pies I adore?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, what a disgrace.

I'm ashamed to look a grapefruit straight in the face.

My wife is on the diet, and since she's on the diet,

I'm losing a pound every day.

Monday, grapefruit, breakfast and for dinner,

And tonight some orange juice.

Tuesday, grapefruit, boys, I'm growing thinner,

All my clothes are getting loose.

Wednesday, Thursday, I feel satisfied,

Then I change to coffee with grapefruit on the side.

Friday till Sunday is more than I can stand,

Before the eighteenth day I'll have a lily in my hand.

My wife is on the diet, and since she's on the diet,

Home isn't home anymore.

No gravy and potatoes, just lettuce and tomatoes,

Where are the pies I adore?

Crabs and shrimps I must leave alone,

I'm the only lobster she'll allow in my home.

My wife is on the diet, and since she's on the diet,

She's gaining a pound every day.

Oh, oh, oh, she's driving me wild,

One look at her onions and I cry like a child.