I just want you right here with me

I just want you right here with me

And I'll say it so honestly

I'll say it so honestly

I just want you right here with me

I just want you right here with me

And I'll say it so honestly

I'll say it so honestly

The same position im always in

I straddle the bottle of gin

I count a couple, but lost my lover

So I guess I'm no longer Christian

I pound the cudgel, but never could judge her

So tell me what is it that's missing

Why is it that I'm always flinching

Why is it that I'm always kissing

The concrete

Cliche Hallmark channel Christmas stories

I'm more used to the dramas that leave the protagonist red and gory

Genuinely genuflected, I worship my sins on the altar

The pew the peers, godliness next to cleanliness, but I falter

I pussyfoot at the door, twiddling thumbs for no one

I'm still stuck ashore after months of rowing

Croatoan, I woke up with just me and my thoughts

Roanoke, lost my lunch in the grief that never seems to stop

Sleigh bells I slave to, but still sink so suddenly

I couldn't tell you I don't want you right next to me

If that's sappy, then that's me

And I'll own up to it

Gladly, I can stand peace in increments, intermittently

Short time, short peaks, short bursts

My creativity back then came only in spurts

Still got praise for being based in concert halls to see

Even though my tastes had changed from orchestras to El-P

It was long time, long days, long lulls

I thought it was fine when I accepted my role

Typecast to the part of goody two shoes past

Past lights shone on me but my soul was miscast

Right path laid at my feet, take the secure job

Or tempt the wrath of defeat from my minds worst mob

All the little thoughts and doubts about my place in the game

Do they really have a need for one Apollo K?

I can't say, they say it to me

Some made me fall and my friends made me free

Like visage of y'all is reflecting on me

Recharge the battery with energy

Cause you know that no matter how scattered my brains not in tatters

I'll never expect awards on silver platters

I prove how I groove, if you tarnish my shine

Prepare for the fair retribution in rhyme, let's go

All flows are yellow

It's new canary style

Do I carry smile, blake and mild

I don't carry smoke, yeah I gotta ride

Bonafide, super fly kinda guy

Rhymes about the type of day I'm having

Like it's present time

Killing time, homicide

But not enough to get by

Satisfied, never mind

That's one hell of a life

Rise and shine, demon time

Off my grind, noon to nine

Wildstyle rap fest, Lucas gave the beat to mine

Meditation time, on the line, every other night

When I do unwind, do i sign

Stars never align

Partly do I lie, heart to heart just to the side

Coat of arms, people gas up, all ride-or-dies

Right to die, me and mind are eye to eye

Side to side, rock n' roll a little bit

Then it's all hi-to-bye

Yeah, oh man

If I decide

Dont give a f*ck 'bout who's listening

Perhaps you can learn a bit from my own wisdom

I could not drink or f*ck the pain out my system

I let the wounds in me make my decisions

Denied times I needed a break

Dodged the real healing to self medicate

I gave two fingers to keeping the faith

Drive into hell at god forsaken rates, yeah

I made my mom and dad cry

Sickening thoughts about losing my life

Kept it together to show the outside

Get a damn doctorate, thicken the pride, huh

But it's all this for what?

I'm as burnt out as the half of my blunt

Prove to myself nothing 'bout me to love

But they about me when I put on a front, what?

So what the f*ck does that mean?

So many friends that just never knew me

Comprised of some s**t that was meant to deceive

Maybe that's why I've been feeling unseen

Fuck

Might just not know who I am

Willingly gave lovers the upper hand

They watch me sinking and sink in quicksand

Reveal that I struggle and they up and ran

Damn

Point is that I sure ain't perfect

Most what you know is just scratching the surface

Took all this time for me to find purpose

Serve as a beacon for others who's hurting

Hopping on a stage is jumping in the coldest pool

Fear of darker water, I think I felt something move

Voice of people laughing at me earlier in school

My father's disapproval made me doubt me doubt my knowledge too

Uh, that's the reason I'm still in college too

I'm playing small like my bunting average is out the roof

Cause I got soul, but I struggle to make it out the shoes

That I've been living in ever since they told me what I could do

Shoes made of Velcro, I'm an elephant

And I was conditioned to see the strength of the chain as relevant

So now I'm stuck to a chain which I could easily break

I just don't know how to get out my way

But now I'm happier than ever, man

And I think that's all that matters

I put in work for what I got

It wasn't served on silver platters

Once I accepted that

I leveled up, I raised my standards

It was push through or give up

And I refused to pick the latter

So now I'm dancing in the rain

I make my song the pitter patter

Preserve the contents of my soul like it's conservation of matter

So go ahead, stand in your truth

That's the bravest s**t that you can do

And if they're gonna deny you for it

Baby they ain't meant for you