You know what job I'd love to be? I'd love to be a bouncer.

Bouncers have great jobs, don't they?

They get to walk around and yell at you in that bouncer voice at the end of the night.

Trying to clear out the bar.

Alright!

Let's go!

Let's streak em up!

Finish em up!

Streak em up!

Start heading towards the door. Let's go!

That's right, that's right. You don't have to go home, but you...

You gotta drink em up!

Did you know you can do any job with that voice?

Any job can be improved.

Sir, what do you do for a living?

I have no idea, but I will improve your job with a bouncer voice.

You're a social worker. Alright!

Oh, lock em up!

He's molesting the kids. Let's go!

How about you, sir?

What's that?

You're a jack of all trades?

Unemployed? Is that a nice way of saying it?

Well, I take out the garbage, I put the kids to bed, you know, and I make dinner.

I am unemployed.

How about you, sir? Are you a...

You're what? An electrician? Alright!

Ground it up!

Wire it! Let's go!

See, you're worth four bucks more an hour. Guaranteed. Right off the top.

How about you, ma 'am?

You're a nanny? Alright!

Oh, shitty diapers! Clean them up!

How about you, sir?

You're unemployed?

You're unemployed, you're drinking beer, and you're smoking Marlboro cigarettes.

How does that work?

Camels! You should be smoking fucking generic lights.

Cigarette of the homeless.

Don't be throwing 40 cents around like you got it.

You're smoking name -brand cigarettes, you ain't got no job. That's bullshit.

Look, I got a job, I smoke basic lights. You know what I'm saying?

What did you used to do before you were unemployed?

You're a student? What are you studying?

History? Ah, that's cool.

You want to be a teacher?

You're going to be a teacher.

That's cool. Keep smoking and drinking. You'll get there.

You'll be a teacher, right? Teacher. You can use the bouncer voice for a teacher.

Alright!

Shut the fuck up!

Put your heads down! Let's go!

Remember that? Put your head down? Ah, shit. Put the head down.

Heads on your desk! Ah, I hate this. This sucks.

How about you, sir? You're gainfully employed?

Delivery person. Alright!

Open up!

Sign here! Let's go!

See? People would come to the door quicker.

How about any job? It doesn't have to be your job. Any job. What do you think?

Insurance? Alright!

You're going to want to call for an ambulance!

Open a policy! Let's go!

What did you say back there?

Gynecologist!

Gynecologist, and then we'll do another one.

Alright! Open them up!

Scooch down! Let's go!

That's what they say. They say scooch, don't they, ladies? That's the word they use.

I swear to God, that's what they use.

It's a medical term. It is. It's a medical term.

It is. It means bring your vagina closer.

If you don't believe me, you can look it up!

What was the other job?

A beautician. Alright!

Powder him up!

Blush him. Let's go!

Prostitute!

Hey! Hurry up!

You're going to get me arrested! Let's go!

Idiot!

Okay, an undertaker. Alright!

Prop him up!

He's turned to the side. Let's go!

Mechanic. Alright!

Torque it up!

Turn it over. Let's go!

Drug dealer.

Stoke it up!

That's the kind. Let's go!

President.

Alright!

Suck it up!

Alright! Cover it up! Let's go!

You know what's funny about people?

We like to get together and eat and drink,

but then we go to the bathroom in private.

Wouldn't that be weird if it was the other way around?

Can you imagine making plans with your friends?

Hey, Bob! Why don't you come on over at 8?

We're going to take a big shit around 8 .30.

We'd love to have you.

Yeah, my mom's going to shit tonight with us.

Have you shit with my mom?

Oh, you have not taken a dump

until you have taken a shit with my mom.

This woman lays some cable, I assure you.

Yeah, if it's nice, we'll shit outside.

Oh, yeah. We got it all set up.

It'd be tough asking the girl out, wouldn't it be?

Hey, Julie. What do you think? Me and you.

I don't know. Shit in a movie?

I know a great place to shit.

Families would be fighting.

Bobby! Get in here!

What do you mean you don't have time to shit with me?

We are a family. We shit together!

Now, mom, say grace.

You know what that means?

The kitchen would become the bathroom.

And the bathroom would become the kitchen, right?

You'd be in the kitchen eating a sandwich.

Someone would open the door.

Hey, damn it! Close the door!

What the hell's the matter with you?

I'm in the middle of a big sandwich.

Friend's like, holy shit, what'd you bake?

A ham? That's disgusting.

Okay.

Okay.