My mom thinks the internet is a person.
She does.
And she's jealous because she thinks we're best friends.
Because I use it all the time, right?
So I used to ask my mom, you know, for advice,
but now I use the internet for faster and quicker results.
So last time I was like,
hey mom, do you have the number to Pizza Hut?
She's like, oh, you want the number to Pizza Hut?
Why don't you ask your best buddy the internet, huh?
Yeah, you two seem to be getting along very well.
Every time I see you together, you're wearing no pants.
I'm gonna put her in a home.
It's not nice.
Gotta be up, man. I've had a rough week, man.
I saw my ex -girlfriend recently.
That hurts, right, guys, when you see your ex -girlfriend?
This one really hurt because she became hot all of a sudden.
And that sucks, right?
And it was a shock to me. No one warned me.
I was at a party, all of a sudden my ex -girlfriend walks in
and she's looking beautiful, gorgeous, 10 out of 10 all of a sudden.
Now I gotta hear it from my friends, right?
Right when she walks in, yo, bro, is that your ex -girlfriend, bro?
How'd you let that go?
You let that go?
I'm like, that's not what I let go.
That is not what I let go.
I don't know who that is.
Women has it easy after breakups, too, right?
After the breakup, you got your support system, right?
Your friends will make you feel better, they'll lie to you, right?
Right, we got some fucking liars right here, you hear that?
Right when the breakup happens, you go back to your girlfriend's house,
they'll lie to you, don't worry, Kelly, you're beautiful and gorgeous,
smart and intelligent, he was an asshole.
He didn't deserve you.
What do guys get, what do our friends say after the breakup, right?
You walk in, you fucked up, bro, come on.
It's been six minutes.
And it doesn't even make any sense because girls hate each other.
Girls hate each other.
You think Al -Qaeda has hate?
I've been at when a girl goes out on the town and see a girl she doesn't know.
She'll flip the switch, who's this bitch?
No, no, what the fuck did this bitch think she's doing?
I'm like, I don't know, she's across the street, why are you yelling?
The shit girls say about each other is crazy, it's so mean, right?
I was at a party recently and I overhear this girl say this verbatim,
she's like, did you see Heather's earrings?
What a stupid little whore.
Really?
Now poor Heather is in the corner of the party crying, right?
Why does everybody hate her?
They hate me, right?
I'm running over there like an idiot, I think it's the earrings, Heather.
Heather, from what I understand, they hate the earrings.
Just take them off.
It'll blow over.
You'll never hear a guy say that shit, you'll never hear a guy say,
yo, bro, you see Jason's belt buckle?
No, you fucking homo, what?
I was too busy looking at that whore's earrings.
Did you see Heather?
Bitch refused to take them off.
I told her I could fix everything, but she was not listening.
Mm -hmm.
