MD: Good Morning, Class!
ALL: GOOD MORNING, MISS DELIGHT!
MD: Are you ready for a Critter-iffic Test day?
Dogday: We sure are! …Except for Catnap.
Kickin: Maybe he’s taking Night Classes.
MD: Don’t worry about Catnap, children. Let’s get started!
MD: You’re clever for your ages, but there’s more to be known!
MD: For there’s work and bills and wages outside your home sweet home!
MD: Before I check what you have learned, we’ll hold a brief review
Of some calculations you might have to do!
ALL: OKAY!
MD: What’s Two plus two?
Dogday: Four Bones to chew!
MD: Good! Three plus three?
PickyPiggy: Six grapes for me!
MD: Yup! Four plus four?
Bobby Bearhug: Seven critters I adore!
…Oh, wait, forgot self-love. Eight!
MD: That’s Great!
MD: Now Five plus five?
Hoppy Hopscotch: Ten Bikes to ride!
MD: Nice! Six plus six?
Kickin: One Kickin’ Chick!
MD: That’s not-
Bubbaphant: I remember that! It’s twelve! And two sevens are fourteen, two eights sixteen, two nines eighteen, two tens twenty-
Kickin: We get it. You’re the smart one.
MD: You’re ALL smart somehow!
MD: Now, take the test! And do your best! But don’t you fret one bit!
MD: Your teacher’s here to soothe your fears and build up your wits!
MD: You might not get it all correct, but children, that’s okay…
MD: A problem you can’t solve right now, you’ll learn to solve one day!
MD: Time’s up! Please put your tests in the grader.
The tests begin to grade.
Crafty: Ugh…I probably flunked...
MD: Nonsense! I’m sure you all did just fine-
*DING*
MD: Oh no.
CATNAP suddenly bursts into the room, waltzing over to KICKIN CHICKEN.
CATNAP: Congrats, my friend! A perfect score! You’re really the cat’s Meow!
KICKIN: I am?
CATNAP: No doubt, you’re capable of more than this classroom allows!
MD: Hey!
CATNAP: There’s a program for smart kids like us to make us big and strong!
CATNAP: You can ditch this class and grow up fast with me, just come along!
KICKIN: Wait…I can SKIP CLASS?!
MD: Well, skip *ahead*, like catnap did, but…are you sure you’re ready? You DID just write “COOL” over the right bubbles on the test…
KICKIN: AND I ACED IT! I’m in, Catnap! What do I do first?
CATNAP: Sleep!
CATNAP Exhales and instantly knocks out Kickin’, who he drags out of class.
KICKIN: ALL RIIIIEEUGHH…
*Kickin collapses*
Crafty: Aww, lucky…
Hoppy: Miss Delight, can I be big and strong too?
MD: Perhaps…
Bubba: I can’t believe I MISSED a question!
MD: A 95% is still very good, Bubba!
Bubba: But it’s not good enough!
MD: Let’s…move on to literature, children.
MD: Now, math is quite important, but it’s not all you’ll need!
You won’t go very far if you cannot write and read!
MD: Before I check what you have learned, we’ll hold a brief review
Of some word formations you might have to brew!
ALL: OK! (More excited this time)
MD: Spell “Run”!
Bobby: R U N!
MD: Got that one! Spell “Hop!”
Hoppy: H O P to the top!
Bubba: Hey, Miss?
MD: Yes?
Bubba: Are these on the test?
MD: Well, Some are!
ALL: then forget the rest!
MISS DELIGHT, surprised and suspicious, picks up a test and reads one of the words, confused at its difficulty.
MD: “Discombobulate”?
BUBBA: D I S C O M B O B U L A Y T!
MD: (Why is this on a test for first graders? It hardly seems appropriate for their curriculum…)
BUBBA: DID I GET IT?!
MD: Uh, It’s on the test, I can’t say…
ALL: THEN WHY ARE YOU WASTING OUR DAY?
MD: Excuse me?!
Bubba: We’ve got tests to take, lady!
The remaining critters begin running up to DELIGHT’S desk to get their tests, surprising her.
ALL: WE’LL TAKE THE TEST AND DO OUR BEST, AND GET A PERFECT SCORE!
SO WE CAN PASS THIS SLOW-LANE CLASS AND LEARN A LOT MORE!
MD: Now, You might not get it all correct, but children, that’s okay!
MD: What you don’t understand right now, you’ll understand one day!
MD: Okay, time’s up…
The critters crowd and rush to try and submit their tests first.
DOGDAY: ME FIRST!
PICKY: NO, ME!
BUBBA: I GOTTA KNOW IF I REMEMBERED EVERYTHING!
HOPPY hops over the crowd to put hers in as everyone else squeezes in their tests.
HOPPY: GOT IT!
The GRADER begins grading papers, before it DINGS again.
MD: Now, don’t feel bad if none of you got a hundred this time-
MD: AGAIN?!
CATNAP bursts back into the room, KICKIN already taken away.
CATNAP: Congrats, my friend! A perfect score! You’re really the cat’s Meow!
HH: Hooray!
CATNAP: No doubt, you’re capable of more than this classroom allows!
Bubba: *HER*?
CATNAP: There’s a program for smart kids like us to make us big and strong!
CATNAP: Rise above this class and grow up fast with me, just come along!
HH: I can’t believe it! I just guessed half of the answers!
MD: Then, clearly, Hoppy, Dear, you know you’re not REALLY-
HH: A TOTAL GENIUS! RACE YA TO THE GENIUS CLASS, CATNAP!
CATNAP: *BREATHE*
CATNAP knocks out HOPPY, dragging her behind him.
CATNAP: I win.
CATNAP glares smugly at MISS DELIGHT as he leaves, as she grows more frustrated behind her smile.
MD: Well…children, this brings us to the last subject of the day: Science.
BUBBA: I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE CHANCE FOR PERFECTION?!
MD: There’s more important things than Perfection, Bubba!
ALL REMAINING: AND WE’LL NEVER LEARN THEM WITHOUT PERFECT SCORES!
MD: There’s lots of ways that science helps us pull off neat tricks!
Dogday: Just hurry up and test us, I miss Hoppy & Kicks!
MD: Before I check what you have learned, we’ll hold a brief review
Of some facts that you might want the answer to…
ALL: FINALLY!
MD: Why does it rain?
Bobby: A cloud’s in pain?
MD: That’s right!
MD: How many bones in your body?
Dogday: Uhh…ten!
MD: Right again!
MD: Is Pluto a planet?
Crafty: Yup!
MD: That's not true…
BUBBA: But I remember it’s a planet too!
PICKY : You’re…LYING to us!
MD: It's for your own good!
MD: Children need to learn at the pace they should!
BUBBA: We NEED Perfect Scores! And I’M gonna get ‘em for us no matter what it takes!
BUBBA breathes in.
MD: Now, Bubba, dear, don’t do something you’ll regret…
BUBBA exhales angrily. A YELLOW mist comes out of his mouth as he “attacks” miss delight with it.
MD: Oh, heavens! Chemical warfare-
MD: …wait, this just smells like lemongrass.
While MD is distracted, BUBBA swipes the TEACHER’S BOOK.
BUBBA: YOINK!
MD: MY ANSWER BOOK!
BUBBA: HURRY UP, GUYS!
BUBBA Begins reading the answers as he hands out tests.
BUBBA: Just take the test and write these answers : A B C A D
MD: STOP THAT!
A B A C A B B C B A B C D B!
MD: YOU’RE CHEATING!
BUBBA: You’re sure to get a perfect score, and leave the class today!
BUBBA: So drop ‘em in the grader and we’ll all be on our way!
The kids rapidly drop their tests in the GRADER, as it chirps in acknowledgement.
MISS DELIGHT: No…it’s too late…
Bubba: Here we go, critter crew!
CATNAP bursts into the room as the other critters excitedly await him.
CATNAP: Congrats-
ALL OTHERS: JUST TAKE US!
CATNAP: Oh. Very well!
MD: Wait, don’t gas the whole..room…
CATNAP gasses the whole room. All the critters fall asleep as does Miss Delight, who falls down from a standing position and a CHIPPING sound can be heard as her face plate cracks.
DELIGHT wakes up, the lights in her classroom dim and empty.
Delight: Ugh…how long was I out for?
MISS DELIGHT notices a VHS TAPE in the center of the classroom, and a VHS/TV cart. She puts it in, and can make out the shining eyes of the SMILING CRITTERS as they sing.
Dogday: Hey, Teach. It’s been forever…
Hoppy: Sorry that you’re alone…
Bobby: We’re not that far away, in fact, we’re near home sweet home…
Picky: We learned a lot after we left…
Craftycorn: We learned so quickly, too…
ALL: We learned so much we wish we never knew…
The Six SMILING CRITTERS step forward into the camera, now fully visible in BIGGER BODIES INITIATIVE forms, as they sadly sing to miss delight. KICKIN CHICKEN is not there.
Dogday: We took the test and did our best!
Hoppy: We really showed our stuff!
Bobby: For most, we passed, for some, alas
Crafty: Our best was not enough…
Bubba: We messed up bad, grew up too fast. But it’ll be okay…
ALL: A problem we can’t solve right now…
BIGGER BODIES CATNAP appears and sings alone.
Catnap:
We’ll Learn To Solve One Day.
