What's Gonna Happen

I know what's gonna happen

I'll try to go to bed

With fear of failure flapping like a fruit bat in my head

I'll sleep for half an hour

The clock will ring at six

I'll wake up in the shower with a stomach full of bricks

So I won't have any breakfast

Maybe just a little tea

Like when you have to go and get a colonoscopy

Which incidentally isn't half as disconcerting or upsetting

As going for a part you know there is no way that you're getting

But anyway I'm heading

Downtown for the audition

Where everything I'm dreading will be coming to fruition

And here's what's gonna happen

I'll walk in weak with hunger

And there's a dozen girls who look like me but ten years younger

I'll go into the bathroom

And I'll try to vocalize

And I'll be singing "minga-minga-minga-minga-ming"

But I'll be hearing Sandy sucks

She really sucks, she really, really, really blows

And she's old, and she's lame

And then someone calls my name

And here's what happens

I'll walk into the room

The gross fluorescent lighting is inviting as a tomb

And everybody smiles

They'll say "It's good to see ya"

But all I see is judges

And they'll all look like Scalia

And then a little banter as they look me up and down

And somewhere through the fog of insecurity and hate

I'll try to convince them that I'm charming

And I'm clever, and I'm fun to have around

But I'm starting to unravel

In my head I hear the gavel

Guilty!

They're gonna throw the book at me 'cause I'm

Guilty!

Of coming in and wasting all their time

Guilty!

Of almost every other showbiz crime

Not young enough!

Not thin enough!

Not pretty enough!

Not good enough!

We hereby sentence you to a lifetime of

Waiting tables and debilitating self-loathing

Sandy?

But wait now someone's asking

So can we hear your voice?

I make a lame attempt at humor: Do I have a choice?

I nod at the pianist

He's always wearing black

He's always in a turtleneck with dandruff on his back

No sooner do I get my note and open up my trap

Then inevitably some mealy-mouthed assistant director's thumbs are all over his iPhone

And I know he's probably tweeting

LOL, This girl is crap

She's a fake

She's a phony

She could never win a Tony

I now live in a place I know quite well

I've left the world, and I've entered hell

I'm this far away from a fainting spell

But just before I die

I finish a song

Which I oversell

Somebody says thanks

And wishes me well

The next thing I know

I'm at Taco Bell

Stuffing my face with meat

I'm trying to take it slowly

I'm trying to be my best

I'm trying to be more holy

Less bitter and depressed

I'm reading Eckhart Tolle

He makes a lot of sense

I bought a Buddhist bowl

He says he it helps you be less tense

It doesn't do a thing for me

I sit there on the floor

And watch a vivid sequence

Of humiliating incidents from my past go by

And think what kind of masochist keeps coming back for more

When she knows what's gonna happen

'Cause it never doesn't happen

'Cause it always, always (Sandy? Sandy!)

Michael?

No! I know what's gonna happen

Don't tell me that I don't

And don't say that I'll rise to

The occasion 'cause I won't

And don't say I've got talent

And don't say I've got heart

And don't say that I'm clever 'cause I know I'm pretty smart

I'm smart enough to know

That I'm too stupid to admit

You can't survive a diet that consists of eating shit

The trick is knowing when it's time to pack your bags

And say "that's it!"

You know what's gonna happen

I know what's gonna happen

Here's what's gonna happen

I quit!

I quit!

I quit!