I know what's gonna happen
I'll try to go to bed
With fear of failure flapping
Like a fruit bat in my head
I'll sleep for half an hour
The clock will ring at six
I'll wake up in the shower with a stomach full of bricks
So I won't have any breakfast maybe just a little tea
Like when you have to go and get a colonoscopy
Which incidentally isn't half as disconcerting or upsetting
As going for a part you know there is no way that you are getting
But anyway I'm heading downtown for the audition
Where everything I'm dreading will be coming to fruition
And here's what's gonna happen
I'll walk in weak with hunger
And there's a dozen girls who look like me but ten years younger
I'll go into the bathroom and I'll try to vocalize
And I'll be singing minga-minga-minga-minga-ming
But I'll be hearing Sandy sucks
She really sucks she really really really blows
And she's old and she's lame
and then someone calls my name
And here's what happens
I'll walk into the room
The gross fluorescent lighting is inviting as a tomb
And everybody smiles they'll say its good to see ya
But all I see is judges and they'll all look like Scalia
And then a little banter as they look me up and down
And somewhere through the fog of insecurity and hate
I'll try to convince them that I'm charming
And I'm clever and I'm fun to have around
But I'm starting to unravel in my head I hear the gavel
Guilty They're gonna throw the book at me 'cuz I'm
Guilty Of coming in and wasting all their time
Guilty Of almost every other showbiz crime
Not young enough
Not thin enough
Not pretty enough
Not good enough
We hereby sentence you to a lifetime of waiting tables and debilitating self-loathing
Sandy
But wait no someone's asking
So can we hear your voice
I make a lame attempt at humor : Do I have a choice
I nod at the pianist
He's always wearing black
He's always in a turtleneck with dandruff on his back
No sooner do I get my note and open up my trap
Then inevitably some mealy-mouthed assistant director's thumbs are all over his iPhone
And I know he's probably tweeting LOL This girl is crap
She's a fake she's a phony
She could never win a Tony
I now live in a place I know quite well
I've left the world and I've entered hell
I'm this far away from a fainting spell
But just before I die
I finish a song which I oversell
Somebody says thanks and wishes me well
The next thing I know I'm at Taco Bell
Stuffing my face with meat
I'm trying to take it slowly
I'm trying to be my best
I'm trying to be more holy
Less bitter and depressed
I'm reading Eckhart Tolle
He makes a lot of sense
I bought a Buddhist bowl
He says he it helps you be less tense
It doesn't do a thing for me
I sit there on the floor
I watch a vivid sequence of humiliating instances from my past go by
And think what kind of masochist keeps coming back for more
When she knows what's gonna happen
'Cuz it never doesn't happen
'Cuz it always always
Sandy Sandy
Michael
No I know what's gonna happen
Don't tell me that I don't
And don't say that I'll rise to the occasion 'cuz I won't
And don't say I've got talent
And don't say I've got heart
And don't say that I'm clever cuz I know I'm pretty smart
I'm smart enough to know that I'm too stupid to admit
You can't survive a diet that consists of eating shit
The trick is knowing when it's time to pack your bags and say that's it
You know what's gonna happen
I know what's gonna happen
Here's what's gonna happen
I quit
I quit
I quit
