Hello and welcome to the first -, the second

The first, 2024 Presidential Debate

Both-sides-ism is now cringe (and that's okay)

Gloom is now boring

Nihilism is now cringe and boring (I don't care)

Tonight, everything is fresh and new

Frankly, it's so exciting it's a little unsettling (I couldn't care less)

Now to keep things fresh, let's do it in this key

Wages have been going up, but prices got out of control

Now, how can an average girl afford a nice bag of pizza rolls?

Economists have said, that the Trump sales tax

Would result in four-thousand dollars more a year

On the backs of the middle class (okay)

The only jobs they got were bounce back jobs, bounce, bounce back, back

She's going to my philosophy

I was gonna send her a MAGA hat

You wouldn't know it from the news

But immigrants have a lower crime rate

So, can we talk about border policy in a non-racist way?

They're eating the dogs (eating the dogs)

They're eating the cats (eating the cats)

Coming in from all over the world, from insane asylums

They're eating the pets

Congress came up with the Border Bill, I supported it

It would have put agents on the border to stem the flow of fentanyl

Donald Trump said, "Kill the bill"

He lost manufacturing jobs

They threw him out of the campaign like a dog

You're not running against Joe Biden, you're running against me

Who would you be

I will be a president that will protect rights

If you were in the West Wing?

We have a nation in decline

Would you be fair, would you be tough and uphold the Constitution and stuff?

Who would you be? (I was gonna send her a MAGA hat)

We're not going back

What would you do

I pledge to you that I will put you first

If we vote for you?

Millions of people dead, and it's only getting worse

From Day One through 2028

And make it quick before the commercial break, we've got to get to

We're wasting time

Stop with the continuous lying

They're eating the dogs (eating the dogs)

They're eating the cats (eating the cats)

One that is focused on the future, and the other on the past

They're eating the dogs (eating the dogs)

I read that she was black, I'll say that

Let's not go back, we're not going back

The foreign policy win is to have a lot of friends

But could you team up against our enemies

'Cause they keep trying to start s**t again and again?

As America always should, we look out for our friends

Our allies are so thankful you are no longer president (your turn)

We're not gonna protect you, if you don't pay

Dictators manipulate you, with flattery

Will you accept the results if you don't happen to win?

Or will you be whining and crying and trying

To throw out the votes again?

Look, there's so much proof, they should have sent it back

The President of the United States incited a violent mob to attack

A nation in decline, our elections are bad

Donald Trump was fired, he's had a difficult time processing that

Most Americans do believe in a woman's right to choose

Should we listen to them or Amy Coney Barrett and five old dudes?

Execution after birth, Democrats are radical

You know what it reminds me of? Student loans

What you are putting women through is unconscionable

I absolutely support reinstating Roe

We finally put a cap on the insulin price

Could you please do that for everything else, 'cause we're just trying to stay alive?

Healthcare should be a right, remember when insurance could deny?

We capped the cost of insulin, Donald Trump never did (alright!)

We're looking at different plans, I have concepts of a plan

There are concepts and options we have

If we can come up with a plan

He lost manufacturing jobs

They threw him out of the campaign like a dog

Who would you be

I will be a president that will protect rights

If you were in the West Wing?

We have a nation in decline

Would you be fair, would you be tough and uphold the constitution and stuff?

Who would you be? (I was gonna send her a MAGA hat)

We're not going back

What would you do?

I pledge to you that I will put you first

If we vote for you?

Millions of people dead, and it's only getting worse

From Day One through 2028

And make it quick before the commercial break, we've got to get to

We're wasting time

Stop with the continuous lying

Tell me, who would you be? (They're eating the dogs)

Tell me, who would you be? (They're eating the cats)

Tell me, tell me, oh, tell me 'cause I gotta know

Who would you be?

Tell me, who would you be? (They're eating the dogs)

Tell me, who would you, who would you be? (they're eating the cats)

Tell me, who would you be?

One that is focused on the future

Tell me, who would you be? Ah! (And the other on the past)

Tell me, who would you be? (They're eating the dogs)

Tell me, who would you, who would you be? (They're eating the cats)

Tell me, who would you be? (I'll say that) let's not go back

Tell me, who would you be? (We're not going back)

Tell me, who would you be? (They're eating the dogs)

Tell me, who would you, who would you be? (They're eating the cats)

Tell me, who would you be? (One that is focused on the future)

And the other on, the past