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You never had rabies

You never gained weight

You never drank poison

You watched what you ate

You never came home with a terrible scar

You never so much as put a scratch on my car

You never got measles

You never got gout

You never got dizzy

And you never fell out

You never suggested we all play charades

You never picked up any live hand granades

You twisted your ankle

I carried you

You got a divorce

So I married you

You fell off a cliff

So I buried you

I wish there were more bad times to see you through

I wish there were more bad times

Wish there were more bad times

Wish there were more bad times

Wish there were more bad times

Wish there were more bad times

I wish there were more

You never lost contact

You never leaked oil

You never drank cleanser

And you never ate foil

You never got hurt by sticks and stones

You never choked on any big chicken bones

You never got mauled by a mad baboon

You never lost all the air in your balloon

You never got poked in the eye with a spork

You never got sick from all that leftover pork

You twisted your ankle

I carried you

You got a divorce

So I married you

You fell off a cliff

So I buried you

I wish there were more bad times to see you through

I wish there were more bad times

So many things did go wrong

But the list is not long enough

Not enough bad things to fill up a song

Wish there were more bad times

Wish there were more bad times

Wish there were more bad times

Wish there were more bad times

I'd rather gather your bones

Than mop up this mess

If I scrub us all spotless

I'll wreck our success

I was holding your hand

When it fell on the floor

When you left you broke the knob on the door

I wish there was more