And then the people who smoke marijuana looking at you like

"God, man, alcohol's a crutch"

Really, Captain Herbalife?

You just macrame-ed your ass into the sofa and you're telling me that?

A little bit of hypocrisy there

It's kind of like Idi Amin looking at Gandhi going, "You're too intense"

No, no, no, no

These are people who are so stoned they can eat kitty litter and go

"That's real crunchy"

These same people get their animals stoned

This is not a good idea

Do not get your dog stoned

He's not that high up on the food chain to begin with

He just barely learned to lick his own genitals, leave him alone

You know, don't do that to him

You've done it now, you've gone too far

This is bad, this is a scary thing

The basic purpose of marijuana is to prove that Darwin was wrong

You know what I'm saying?

Send you back down

And these people get stoned and they think

"Well, I've got to eat something

It's either my own hand or I'm getting out of here, man"

So they try and drive, they've got this idea that

"Yeah, I can drive, I've got it together, dude

I'm okay, if I could just find my feet, I can drive"

Then they get out there in the car

There they are, you're too up the keys

"Okay, for us, okay"

And I'm hauling down the freeway

There they're going, they're moving fast

There they think they're going at light speed

They think Scottie sitting next to him going

"Jim, you can't push it any faster

It's a Chevrolet, Jim

You can't push it any faster than that"

"Oh, no, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm fine, I'm okay"

Red, white, and blue, red, white, and blue, red

Police, police, police, police, Jesus, help me through this

You're inside rehearsing what you're going to say

It's like, "I'm fine

What seems to be the problem, officer?

What seems to be the problem, officer?

What seems to be the problem?"

You open the window

Out comes this little Colombian sauna

This wall of smoke hits him in the face

He's going, "I'm hungry

I don't know why"

You've rehearsed your line

"What seems to be the problem, officer?

What seems to be the problem?"

You look at him and go

He writes out a ticket, he hands it to you, you eat it

"No! Oh, you're going to jail!"

But then you wake up and you realize you're still on the couch at home

"See you at work

Hail, baby, no!"