Fresh out of college with grades straight from Hell

I browsed for a trade at which I could excel

An ad for a ship in need of some manning

Men, sails, and purpose, but lacking a captain

What luck, says I, to find such good fortune

A few white lies later, I ran down the pier

Bought me a coat and a cutlass or two

Jumped on the deck, and I yelled at the crew

Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!

What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!

Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control!

I can't sing the shanties, it has to be said

And all of that grog just goes right to my head

Whale meat is gross, and I miss a girl's laugh

Five weeks at sea, even Dave seems a catch!

Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!

What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!

Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control!

We've hit icy waters, no land to be seen

The food's getting low, and the beer has gone green

There's murmurs of discontent under the deck

If I don't act fast, it could be my neck!

So pull up the charts and those weird gold machines

I see what it says,but no clue what it means!

Just pull on some levers and yank on some chains

Feign a bad back til' we've landed again

Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!

What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!

Turn hard to port! (That's not port) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control!

Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!

What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!

Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control! Come on

Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!

What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!

Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control!

Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!

What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!

Turn hard to port! (This is jail?) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control! (ahh, help me!)

Trust me, I'm in control!