Amish Paradise

As I walk through the valley

Where I harvest my grain

I take a look at my wife

And realize she's very plain.

But that's just perfect

For an Amish like me

You know I shun fancy things

Like electricity

At 4:30 in the mornin'

I'm milking cows

Jedediah feeds the chickens

And Jacob plows, fool.

And I've been milking

and plowing so long that

Even Ezekial thinks that my mind is gone

I'm a man of the land,

I'm into discipline.

Got a bible in my hand

And a beard on my chin

But if I finish all of my chores,

And you finish thine

Then tonight we're going to party

Like it's 1699

We've been spending most our lives

Living in an Amish paradise

I've churned butter once or twice,

Living in an Amish paradise

It's hard work and sacrifice,

Living in an Amish paradise

We sell quilts at discount price,

Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me

in the butt last week

I just smiled at him,

And I turned the other cheek

I really don't care,

In fact, I wish him well.

'Cos I'll be laughin' my head off

When he's burnin' in hell

But I ain't never punched a tourist

Even if he deserved it

An Amish with a 'tude,

You know that's unheard of.

I never wear buttons,

But I've got a cool hat

And my homies agree

I really look good in black, fool

If you come to visit,

You'll be bored to tears

We haven't even paid the

Phone bill in 300 years

But we ain't really quaint,

So please, don't point and stare

We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights,

No motorcars, not a single lu ury

Like Robinson Crusoe,

It's as primitive as can be.

We've been spending most our lives

Living in an Amish paradise

We're just plain and simple guys,

Living in an Amish paradise

There's no time for sin and vice,

Living in an Amish paradise

We don't fight, we all play nice,

Living in an Amish paradise.

Hitchin' up the buggy,

Churnin' lots of butter

Raised a barn on Monday,

Soon I'll raise a nutter

Think you're really righteous?

Think you're pure in heart?

Well, I know I'm a million times

As humble as thou art.

I'm the pious guy

The little Amlettes want to be like

On my knees day and night

Scoring points for the afterlife

So don't be vain,

And don't be whiney

Or else my brother might have

to get medieval on your hiney

We've been spending most our

Lives living in an Amish paradise

We're all crazy Mennonites,

Living in an Amish paradise

There's no cops or traffic lights,

Living in an Amish paradise

But you'd probably think it bites,

Living in an Amish paradise

Yick!