HEATHER CHANDLER
Are we gonna have a problem?
You got a bone to pick?
You've come so far,
Why now are
you pulling on my dick?
I'd normally slap your face off,
And everyone here could watch -
But I'm feeling nice.
Here's some advice:
Listen up, Byatch.
HEATHER CHANDLER with HEATHERS DUKE AND MCNAMARA
(variously)
I like looking hot;
buying stuff they cannot.
I like drinking hard;
maxing Dad's credit card.
I like skipping gym;
scaring her, screwing him.
I like killer clothes;
kicking nerds in the nose!
If you lack the balls,
you can go play dolls -
Have your Mommy fix you a snack.
Whoa, whoa!
Or you could come smoke,
Pound some rum and coke
in my porsche with the quarterback.
Oh, whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa!
Honey, what you waiting for?
ALL THREE HEATHERS
Step into my candy store!
Time for you to prove you're
not a loser anymore...
Then step into my candy store!
Guys fall
DUKE & MCNAMARA
At your feet.
DUKE
Buy you stuff!
MCNAMARA
Help you cheat!
ALL THREE
All you
DUKE
Have to do:
CHANDLER
Say goodbye to Shamu.
ALL THREE
That freak's
MCNAMARA
Not your friend.
I can tell, in the end,
ALL THREE
If she
DUKE
Had your shot,
ALL THREE
She would leave you to rot!
MCNAMARA
'Course if you don't care,
Fine. Go braid her hair -
Maybe "Sesame Street" is on.
CHANDLER & DUKE
Whoa, whoa!
MCNAMARA
Or forget that creep,
DUKE
and get in my Jeep...
CHANDLER
Let's go tear up someone's lawn!
DUKE & MCNAMARA
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa!
ALL THREE
Honey, what you waiting for?
Welcome to my candy store!
You just gotta prove you're
not a p***y anymore...
Then step into my candy store!
(During the preceding, The HEATHERS slip the note onto MARTHA'S lunch tray. She opens it and reads it...)
CHANDLER
You can join the team...
DUKE & MAC
Or you can b***h and moan.
CHANDLER
You can live the dream...
DUKE & MAC
Or you can die alone.
CHANDLER
You can fly with eagles,
DUKE & MAC
Or if you prefer
CHANDLER
Keep testing me
ALL THREE
And end up like her!
MARTHA
Veronica, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming party! This proves he's been thinking about me!
VERONICA
(Lamely.) ... Color me stoked.
MARTHA
I'm so happy.
HEATHER DUKE
Whoa, whoa, whoa -
Honey what you waiting for! -
(CHANDLER shoves DUKE aside)
HEATHER CHANDLER
Shut up, Heather.
Step into my candy store!
Whoaaaaaaaaa!
DUKE & MAC
Oh, oh, oh,
time for you
to prove
you're not
a lame-ass
anymore!
ALL THREE
Then step into my candy store!
It's my candy store, it's my candy. (x2)
It's my candy store! (x2)
