Barbara and Adam parts

are included on the

recording

in (parentheses)

Okay

Listen up,

I'm not gonna lie

Right now,

you couldn't frighten a fly

Or scare a seagull

off of a fry

You ever stop to

ask yourselves "why?"

Both of you are super polite

Middle class,

suburban, and white

Well, all of that

is finished tonight

Except for the white part

Obviously

Take your places

I want scary faces

Now go!

Bigger, further, harder

Not bad

Sever a head

Preferably someone

you know

(Look at me, I'm so scary)

Don't be so vanilla

Would a little anger kill ya?

C'mon, drop your panties

I'm trying to fill you

With wisdom and skill

And the instinct to kill

(Again, we do not want)

(to kill anyone)

Fine!

But somehow, someway

You gotta make 'em see ya'

I'm talkin' jumpscares

The jerky Japanese

ghost-walk, plus:

Learn to throw your voice

Fool your friends

Fun at parties

(Now THAT is cool!)

(I wanna do that!)

Whatever it takes

to make 'em go crazy

Raising the stakes

by punching a baby

Scare 'em awake

till they break

They'll be quaking in fright

'Cause you've got

some evil

deep down inside you

Put all the

farmer's markets

behind you

You've gotta work

Gotta haunt till it hurts

Through the night

And give those guys

the fright of their lives

Yeah, yeah!

Let's start with

things that you hate

(Well, hate's)

(a very strong word)

(Perhaps when people)

(are late)

(Or getting pooped)

(on by birds)

No, what fills you

with rage?

(Being mean to a pet)

(Chefs who use too much)

(sage when they make)

(beurre noisette)

(Over-glutinous food)

(Or when kids)

(call me "dude")

(Oh, I find that)

(so rude!)

Well, there's lots

there to use

Take a deep breath

And give me your best

primal scream

(Aaaah!)

(Barbara, that was brilliant!)

Really?

Try it again

Maybe this time

pretend like you mean it

(Aaah!)

(That was even better!)

(Thanks!)

I want freedom

But to get my

freedom I need them

To get a living person

to say my name

(Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse,)

(Betelgeuse?)

I know that beggars

can't be choosers

But do they have to be

such losers?

Both of them are deathly

dull and lame

(Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse,)

(Betelgeuse)

Why God, slash Satan,

did you send these bed wetters?

Even, like, a tax attorney

would've been better

Somebody with gravitas

Somebody to fear who

(Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse)

(We can kind of hear you)

Yeah?

Well, that was a soliloquy

so you're the one

who's being rude

What…ever it takes

to make 'em go crazy

(Turn all the lights on)

(Dress like a baby)

Adam, I don't even- No

Get your heads

in the game

(Let's hide their phones)

Screw their phones!

Ugh, these dopes are

both hopeless

How will I ever survive?

Unless they get

the fright of their lives

(Yes yes, we're feelin' it,)

(they're gonna feel it,)

(we're killin' it!)

They gotta get the fright

of their li-ee-I-ee–ives

(We're scary,)

(very, very, scary!)

They'll never get the

fright of their lives

(Yeah!)