I was born

With hair on my chest

A gleam in my eye

To latch on to a breast

I cut my own umbilical cord

With my razor sharp teeth

Then I drove home

And my mom rode on

In the back seat

I didn't go through puberty

Puberty went through me

And it was never even awkward

'Cause I made it happened instantly

If you address a letter to "Man"

And put it in the mail

Rest assured I'd receive it

But I ain't gonna be your pan pal

My time is too valuable for that

I'll be too busy working a jackhammer

You're a mama's boy

I was born in an arctic cave

And adopted by wolves

That's how I was raised

I didn't drink milk

I suckled the fangs of venomous snakes

I killed the first man that I met

With just my firm handshake

I p**y trained myself

You're still bed-wetting

I smell like charcoal when I'm sweating

And was my best man at my own wedding

Search Google Images

For masculinity

Feel free to Photoshop your face

On that image of me

Creative Commons, punk

Meanwhile I'll be adjusting some really large nuts

I rise before the sun

Screw circadian rhythm

I bathe with sandpaper

And my underwear is denim

I shave with a box cutter

Blindfolded as well

'Cause if I look in the mirrot

I intimidate myself

I've got no need for sleep

I never shut my eyes

I tie fishing lures

While I memorize Apache war cries

The sun comes up

When I tell it I'm ready

Then I trim my nose hair

With a razor-sharp machete

I'm manly 'cause I'm so handy

Even my feet are hands

I built a hobbit house

For a homeless man

Without using any plans

My kids jungle gym

Has a full-size trapeze

And I modified my garden hose

To despense nacho cheese

I'm handy too

I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan

Into your bedroom

My right incisor's

A Philips head screwdriver

I made my sun deck

Into a holodeck

Where I hang out with MacGyver

My GPS gets its sense of direction from me

I can drive ten hours

Without stopping to take a leak

I don't avert my eyes

When I pass roadkill

And I teach an online course

In parallel parking skills

When my car breaks down

I don't call a mechanic

I just open the hood

And then I stare at it

And then I call a mechanic

But I won't be cheated

He's not gonna talk me in to repairs

That I don't know that I needed

I can sleep alone in the woods

Without a tent

I might get a little scared

But then I get over it

I tie knots that Eagle scouts

Haven't even heard of

Like the double overhand

Figure-eight fisherman's bird glove

Well, I got the know-how

To properly grill every part of a cow

And when I taste a veggie patty

I just spit it out

I'll break your face with a plate

If you want it well-done

And your wife is always asking me

To toast her buns

I'm too much man for a manicure

I don't even have cuticles

For the sake of convenience

I keep a urinal in my cubicle

I can barefoot ski

I can smell the fear of bees

I threw up in my mouth

That one time that I watched Glee

I am my own boss

My middle name is Hoss

I don't even know what it feels like

To sit with my legs crossed

I've never been shopping

I don't remove pizza toppings

I can tell the age of a mountain goat

Just by sniffing its droppings