Well we could try to do it, Santa
But without your magic ways
There's no way we'd fit
Eight billion presents in this tiny sleigh!
We don't know how to make reindeer fly
And even if we did,
It would take us weeks to ride
From Puerto Rico to Madrid!
Since we've only got one evening
To deliver all these toys
To a billion different households
Full of parents, girls and boys
We would need an average sleigh speed
Of at least 12 miles per second
That's not counting bathroom breaks,
Unless the sleigh's got a poop deck
And I think Prancer and the others
Might burn up if we're that fast
Due to atmospheric drag,
Just like a meteoric blast
'Cause these speeds would mean the reindeer
Reach three thousand Fahrenheit
They'd explode just moments into
Our inaugural Christmas flight
And the sonic boom would work its way
Through Dasher, Donner, Dancer
Soon engulfing Cupid, Comet –
Santa, this can't be the answer!
See, the last thing that we'd wanna do
Is make the reindeer yelp
We could try to do it, Santa –
But we think we'd need your help!
We could try to do it, Santa,
But for us three Christmas rookies
That's an awful lot of milk,
And that's an awful lot of cookies
Let's assume four choc-chip biscuits
And a pint of milk per house
That's a hundred thousand pounds
Of sugar -- only counting Laos!
In Africa alone,
The three of us would have to drink
Six-hundred-million milky gallons,
Which is just enough, I think
To fill up every single pool
In Miami and Tallahassee
And Yakko can't drink milk at all
The lactose makes him gassy!
Before the night is out,
Each one of us will have knocked back
Roughly seven trillion calories,
(That's not including snacks)
And our weight-gain would be somewhere
North of 6 quintillion tons
Which would make our bodies denser
Than the plasma in the sun
We'd implode upon ourselves,
Just like three mini neutron stars
Each exerting the same pull
As all the gravity of Mars
And our mass would tear the Earth
Into a million tiny shreds
We could try to do it, Santa –
-- But think you should go instead!
We could try to do it, Santa, but --
I see where this is going...
-- Without using mass surveillance,
We would have no way of knowing
Which of all the girls and boys were nice,
And which ones had been naughty
But the problem is this spying thing
Won't fly in fed'ral court,
See, we would need to put a wire-tap on
Every single phone
And log every single web search,
And pilot every drone
'Til we had a constant feed
Of every single child on Earth
(And with every single second, Santa,
Five more moms give birth)
See, there's just no way to spy on
All those kids all by ourselves
So we'd have to form an agency
From all your worker-elves
With a team of thousands, sure, maybe
We could handle the load
Then one would surely blow the whistle,
Though, our own Elf Edward Snowden
Then our crooked operation would
Collapse in on itself
And Vlad would give asylum to that
Loose-lipped little elf
And we'd take the fall, we're not
Above the law in any way,
We could try to do it, Santa --
-- But we're not the N.S.A!
