Okay Listen up, I'm not gonna lie
Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly
Or scare a seagull off of a fry
You ever stop to ask yourself why
Both of you are super polite
Middle class, suburban, and white
Well, all of that is finished tonight
Except for the white part obviously
Take your places
I want scary faces now go
Bigger, further, harder not bad
Sever a head
Preferably someone you know
Look at me, I'm so scary
Don't be so vanilla
Would a little anger kill ya
C'mon, drop your panties
I'm trying to fill you with wisdom and skill and the instinct to kill
Again, we do not want to kill anyone,fine
But somehow, someway
You gotta make em see ya
I'm talkin' jumpscares
The jerky Japanese ghost walk, plus
Learn to throw your voice
Fool your friends,fun at parties,now that is cool
I wanna do that
Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
Raising the stakes by punching a baby
Scare 'em awake till they break
They'll be quaking in fright
'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you
Put all the farmer's markets behind you
You've gotta work
Gotta haunt till it hurts
Through the night
And give those guys the fright of their lives
Let's start with things that you hate
Well, hate's a very strong word
Perhaps when people are late
Or getting pooped on by birds
No, what fills you with rage
Being mean to a pet
Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette
Over glutinous food
Or when kids call me dude
Oh, I find that so rude!
Well, there's lots there to use
Take a deep breath and give me your best primal scream
Barbara, that was brilliant,really
Try it again maybe this time pretend like you mean it
That was even better,thanks
I want freedom
But to get my freedom I need them
To get a living person to say my name
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse
I know that beggars can't be choosers
But do they have to be such losers
Both of them are deathly dull and lame
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse
Why God, slash Satan, did you send these bed wetters
Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better
Somebody with gravitas
Somebody to fear who
Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse
We can kind of hear you
Ya, that was a soliloquy so you're the one who's being rude
Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
Turn all the lights on dress like a baby
Adam, I don't even no,get your heads in the game
Let's hide their phones
Screw their phones
Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless
How will I ever survive
Unless they get the fright of their lives
Yes yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it
They gotta get the fright of their lives
We're scary, very, very, scary
They'll never get the fright of their lives
