BETELGEUSE, sung
Hey, folks! Begging your pardon!
‘Scuse me! Sorry to barge in
But let’s skip the tears
and start on the whole
Y’know
Being dead thing
You’re doomed! Enjoy the singing
The sword of Damocles is swinging
And if I hear your cell phone ringing
I’ll kill you myself
The whole being dead thing!
Death can get a person stressed
“We should have carpe’d way more diems
Now we’re never gonna see ‘em!
I can show you what comes ne t
So don’t be freaked
Stay in your seats
I do this bullshit, like,
eight times a week!
So just rela , you’ll be fine
Drink your fifty dollar wine
And take a breath!
ENSEMBLE
Welcome to a show about death!
BETELGEUSE
You’re…
You’re gonna be fine…
On the other side…
DIE! YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE!
YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE!
I'll...
I’ll be your guide...
To the other side…
ENSEMBLE
Oh, and full disclosure:
It’s a show about death!
BETELGEUSE
Everybody gets on fine here
Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here
The women’s bathroom has no line here
Just...
Pee where you want!
The whole being dead thing!
You’re just gonna love the folks here
Yes, I know you’re woke, but
you can take a joke here!
And every show I do,
like, a TON of coke here
The whole
heavy sniffing
PAH HAH! The whole being dead thing!
Nobody is bullet proof!
“I work out, I eat clean!
Jesus, pass the Dramamine
Time to face the brutal truth:
‘Cause we’re all on a hitlist
Might not live ‘till Christmas
Choke to death on Triscuits
Hey, that’s just statistics
So take a little break here
Kinda like a wake here
The scenery is fake here
But there's a giant snake here!
ENSEMBLE
Welcome to a show about death!
BETELGEUSE
You’re…
You’re gonna be fine…
THANK YOU!
On the other side…
HOW YOU DOIN’?
Not good!
Ba be ba ba be bo boo bap boop!
I’ll…
I’ll be your guide!
To the other side!
Seriously, though, this is a show about
ENSEMBLE
Death is taboo, but it’s
hardly something new
There’s nothing medical
professionals could do
'Cept maybe just bill you
BETELGEUSE, spoken
If you die while listening to this
cast recording
It's still gonna keep playing
ENSEMBLE
There’s no destiny or fate
Just a terrifying wait
Filled with people that you hate
And on a certain date,
the universe kills you!
BETELGEUSE (E)
That’s the thing with life:
No one makes it out alive!
Toss that body in the pit
“Gosh, it’s awful, ain’t it tragic?
“Blah, blah, Bible. Jesus magic.
When you’re dead, who gives a shit?
No pilates, no more yoga!
“Namaste , you freakin’ posers
From the cradle to cremation
Death just needs a little conversation!
I have mastered the art (Dies Irae!)
Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae!)
So, how about we all make
a start (Dies Irae!)
On the whole being dead thing!
ALL
God, I hope you’re ready
for a show about death
