It was late at night on Christmas Eve I was dreaming of the soft white snow I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree
What it was I did not know.
It was Santa Claus, he was bringing me some gifts.
Unfortunately, I did not know that So I quietly snuck up behind him And I shot him five times in the back It went pow, pow, pow, pow, pow He said, what the fuck, ow, ow, ow
Then I shot him three more times in the head Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead
That's when I noticed his blood-soaked beard and his red suit filled with bullet holes.
Uh-oh.
I said, oh my god, I killed Santa Claus.
I'm not going to jail for this asshole.
Help.
No.
So I went to my shed and I got my saw and I started to choppity chop chop.
Chop, chop, chop.
I started with his arms, then his legs, then his head, and then the torso was a really long job
And the blood went spurt spurt spurt It was really hard work work work
It was hard cutting through his spine.
I must have vomited times.
I burned all the pieces in my fireplace The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose Sizzle, sizzle
Eleven hours later there was nothing left and that's when I heard my telephone.
It was Auntie Jean looking for Uncle Bob She said he left the house dressed as Santa Claus
But he didn't come home last night.
Have you seen him?
God, I hope he's alright.
