Dear David Cameron

You want us to admit if porn's something we're interested in

I've never heard a more intrusive line of questioning

There's a lot of chaps with no-one to put their erection in

You've put the onus on their boners to come and confess the thing

Despite its popularity the silence will be deafening

Censorship is not the method to mop up the mess we're in

Next you'll be suggesting police kettling

Any people sending text messages with three Xs in

Will I still be free to see The Exorcist

Cause there's a crucifix in that and a tween having s*x with it

If not what's the difference between an adult actress

And a thespian in a sexually-packed script

You plan to block pages with a blacklist

So if I say rape does it mean I can't rap this

In terms of sexual deviance the Tories have had practice

Dave I've seen the stains on your Brasenose mattress

And it's ironic you're proposing a porn ban cause

You're considered one of Britain's biggest wankers

Human rights are universal

Cultural differences are not an excuse to water down human rights

Nor can the exploitation of digital networks by criminals or terrorists

Be a justification for states to censor their citizens

But think of the children

Think of the children

A free and open internet's probably gonna kill them

Think of the children

Think of the children

A free and open internet's probably gonna kill them

Mate rape fantasies are a common obsession

But actually being a rapist is not a logical progression

To beat abuse you should use a new weapon

Like battling the stigma for people when confessing

That they've been molested or beaten senseless

The way that they're treated by police is horrendous

Some of us understand Louise Mensch does

The consensus is that your dumb plan's defenseless

Tories are all about family responsibility

So your proposal seems silly to me

Serious criminals don't use Bing

They use P2P and darknet webrings

China's blacklist accuracy couldn't be lower

It's like trying to trim your 'fro with a mower

When has censorship ever fixed a problem

Yeah it's not like North Korea's got them

But if that's the kind of thing for which you're clamouring

Do you mind if I refer to you as Kim-Jong Cameron

But think of the children

Think of the children

A free and open internet's probably gonna kill them

Think of the children

Think of the children

A free and open internet's probably gonna kill them

If you can't say f**k you can't say

F**k David Cameron with a piece of slightly undercooked broccoli