HYACINTH: If I'm ever to show my face in society again

I've got to find a new cause of my own and quickly. Come, come, any ideas?

ENTOURAGE: Daisy Greville has the old. Lady Sitwell has the blind

HYACINTH: And the fund for sailor's widows?

ENTOURAGE: That's the two of them combined

HYACINTH: Nightschool for the nervous?

ENTOURAGE: Lady Beach and Margaret Guest

HYACINTH: Crutches for the crippled?

ENTOURAGE: That was Elsie Ponds' bequest

HYACINTH: Wayward women

ENTOURAGE: Daisy Greville

HYACINTH: Who's behind disfigured men?

ENTOURAGE: Daisy Greville

HYACINTH: And the deaf… don't tell me it's Greville yet again

Everyone's got something can't you see why I'm bereft

I want to do some good but what the devil's left?

ENTOURAGE: What the devil's left?

MONTY NAVARRO: If I may your Ladyship, one hears about such terrible poverty in Egypt

These days…

HYACINTH: Egypt. Land of the pharaohs and of Moses the Israelite

Home to the great pyramids and the sphinx

That's it! We'll populate an orphanage in Cairo, with foundlings from the reeds along

The Nile

To watch a creature grow, to swaddle it and know the joy of its pathetic little smile

ENTOURAGE: It's little smile

HYACINTH: The news will travel soon enough to London

ENTOURAGE: To London

HYACINTH: Our selflessness will meet with great acclaim

ENTOURAGE: Huzzah

HYACINTH: The sniping will be stilled, and the empire will be filled, with homes

For bastard children in my name

All aboard the Luxor express to Cairo

MONTY: And off she went, what I failed to tell her was that a violent uprising against

The empire was imminent

And no british citizen was considered safe, so you can imagine my surprise when

Lady Hyacinth returned to London quite unharmed

HYACINTH: Oh where will my largesse be truly appreciated

I need a place so low that hope itself has been abandoned

MONTY: You've heard of course of the untouchables in India

HYACINTH: India. Land of Hindus and Muslims, of tamarind and saffron. Exotic and

Unknowable

That's it! We'll find ourselves some lepers in the Punjab

The hopeless and the wretched and the cursed. Forgotten and Unblessed

ENTOURAGE: Unblessed

HYACINTH: I'll take them to my breast

ENTOURAGE: Your Breast

HYACINTH: If Daisy Greville doesn't get there first. When we arrive, they'll hobble

Out to greet us

ENTOURAGE: Hello there

HYACINTH: Their toothless grins would melt a heart of stone

ENTOURAGE: Awww

HYACINTH: And every dilettante, will envy me and want a colony of lepers of her own

Now not a word to even your mothers til we leave although

Come to think of it what is the point of helping others unless you let the whole

World know

Call the Times of London

MONTY: And off she went

I neglected to mention the malaria pandemic in the Punjab

A bit of insurance in case leprosy itself failed to prove contagious

So you can imagine my shock when Lady Hyacinth returned to London in record time

Quite the picture of health

I don't suppose you'd be willing to p**e the jungle of deepest darkest Africa…

HYACINTH: Africa. From Zululand to Yoruba, home of proud warriors that naked torsos

Rippling in the firelight

We'll civilize a village in the jungle

ENTOURAGE: The Jungle

HYACINTH: It can't take long to learn their mother tongue

ENTOURAGE: Not long then

HYACINTH: The words they have are six and five of them are clicks

ENTOURAGE: Click

HYACINTH: And all of them are different words for dong

And can't you see their frightful painted faces

ENTOURAGE: Their faces

HYACINTH: They'll teach us how to swing from vine to vine

ENTOURAGE: From vine to vine to vine

HYACINTH: It's Daisy Greville's loss, she'll never come across, a tribe of backward

Natives worse than mine

Their may appall us.But even they are part of God's design

ENTOURAGE: Awww

HYACINTH: We bid you all goodbye

ENTOURAGE: Goodbye

HYACINTH: Let all of London try, to find a tribe of natives worse than mine. Charity

Towards others is divine

ENTOURAGE: Divine, Divine, Divine, Divine, Charity is Divine